兄弟: 追憶のhide

Author: Matsumoto Hiroshi
Translation: w_b

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The Five Days Leading Up To His Funeral
p. 217-221

Hide's funeral was to be held on the afternoon of May 7th.

As soon as word started to get out that the funeral was to be at the Tsukiji Hongan-ji temple, a shocking number of people gathered around it. There were people as far as the eye could see from the temple. On the sidewalk, on the pedestrian overpasses, on the rooftops of nearby buildings. It left me speechless that so many people were mourning hide's passing.

At the same time hide's friends were pouring in.

The members of X-Japan, the members of hide with Spread Beaver, hide's old friends, younger bands who admired him. Most of them, having arrived with little more than the clothes on their backs, were now rushing into the temple.

Then everyone lined up and hurried over to hide, asleep in his coffin.

Some people would ask, "Why?" then find themselves at a loss for words.

Others lamented how they never were able to repay him for his kindness, and then burst into tears. Yet others could only stand there, stunned immobile.

Hide slept with his usual expression, so much so that it seemed strange.

He looked at peace, despite the fact that he had gone into respiratory distress after his air duct had closed. His complexion did look a touch too pale but you would never have thought him dead.

Nearly every single person who came asked me.

"Why?"

"He had you there with him, you must know why?"

Once again at a loss for words, all I could do was offer my apologies, over and over.

It might be accurate to say that my emotions were running in a closed circuit. I had no thoughts other than making sure everyone mourned as much as they needed to.

Perhaps it's that I was overtaken by a sort of peculiar tense atmosphere. People from the office were concerned however, and I was put up at a nearby hotel just as they had promised, their reason being that they felt I should not be left alone to break down.

Even though I left hide's side to spend the night at the hotel, I spent it awake and thinking about him. I had heard it said that when someone dies, their spirit leaves the body and looks down on us from a spot near the room's ceiling. So when I remembered that story, I started looking around the room wondering if hide wasn't there somewhere.

"Hey, Hiroshi, what has you so spaced out? Work! You're supposed to be working. "

I was waiting for hide to appear and say something of the kind.

I did not feel like going to sleep. I felt like the moment I fell asleep hide's spirit would fly away, and that made me want to stay awake forever.

Maybe out of worry for the state I was in, staff from the office and hide's bodyguards all took turns dropping by to keep me company with stories of the old days.

"And that's what happened that one time."

"And that other time..."

We'd burst out laughing then fall deathly silent again, we'd drink all of the beer in the fridge then order more; it was the same thing every night.

I couldn't tell you now whether I was drunk or sober at the time.

Between us guys we drank with a particular single-mindedness, and then when it got close to morning I would sleep a little bit. Upon awaking, I would realize that hide wasn't there for me to wake him up and the tears would come again.

And yet, although I had somehow been saved and given some time by everyone, at times I was struck with a chill of fear rising all the way up from my feet. Had hide committed suicide after all? That was what I feared.

There was this thing he had told me once.

"Hiroshi, did you know they had this kind of book? It's a how-to-die manual."

"Please do not be reading disturbing things," I had told him, and immediately he replied.

"It's because I feel empowered when I think that I could die at any moment. When you're down, doesn't it help you to feel alive knowing of all the ways you could die?"

Even so...... I was in denial.

It couldn't be.

Two singles, [Pink Spider] and [ever free] were ready and awaiting release. Six out of ten songs had been completed for [Ja.zoo], the album hide had worked so hard on in L.A..

He had even managed to record the radio show [All Night Nippon] during odd moments stolen here and there between his recording in L.A., as an advertisement for the new album. And the day before he passed away he had taken part in the TV show [Rocket Punch!], all of it to cultivate his personal world of rock n roll.

There had also been a meeting planned for May 3, the day after his passing, concerning a new "hide model" guitar.

Hide had made all of the decisions personally. He never would have betrayed himself, the fans, or the life he called his own.

"Don't you fuck with me."

I tried to imitate the way hide used to say that favourite phrase of his, but something was missing.

Hide, I wonder where you are now....