兄弟: 追憶のhide

Author: Matsumoto Hiroshi
Translation: w_b

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My Counterattack: "Go to Hell!"
p.127-132

One of my main responsibilities was to keep a close eye on hide's overloaded schedule so that it wouldn't impact his health. That is in other words, I had to do everything within my power to keep him from drinking excessively and making himself sick. To tell the truth I found myself putting forth a lot of effort, especially since back in those days even hide himself wished to cut down on his drinking.

Basically, hide had given me very strict instructions.

"Doesn't matter if I'm still drinking, I'm asking that after a while you say we go home."

However as admirable as that was it only lasted as long as hide was sober.

Perhaps partially because of whom he was, when the time came to drink and get into long discussions of music hide would completely forget all about the instructions he himself had given.

Usually I would wait for the right moment, a good three hours after the drinking had begun, then would speak up tentatively. But if I alone spoke up I was right away at a disadvantage.

"Hide-san, it's time we were on our way."

"It's OK, not yet."

"Please don't say that, we really should be going."

"Who the hell do you think you are?! Shut up!"

However, hide's blunt way of cutting me off was simply because he needed to stay with the drinking pace in order to keep up appearances in front of his drinking buddies. I gradually came to think that the better I became at bargaining.

Since hide would never voluntarily decide to go home, the next best thing was having me beg: "there's always tomorrow, please think about going back." Then hide would make me the bad guy and thus matter would be settled.

"What the hell. You ruined the mood asshole!"

You see, at each such pointless argument the people around us would butt in to help me out.

"Hide-chan, let's head back soon? Look, it's not just Hiroshi-kun who says so."

"Ah, I see. Well what can ya do then, let's go."

I truly believe that coming up with this strategy would have been worth the trouble if it had meant things would always go this smoothly.

However hide started to grow strangely resentful as I grew more skilled in my role of diplomat.

One fateful night after I had somehow managed to get him out of the bar, he suddenly turned on me for no good reason the moment we found ourselves outside.

"You spat in my room when we were in middle school! I'll never forgive you!"

"What in the world are you talking about?!"

Yet hide looked serious. Maybe it was the alcohol in him talking but he was making the air grow thick with tension. Had he completely lost his mind? I truly thought so, I didn't get why all of a sudden he was bent on asserting his older brother authority.

"You asshole, you hate me don't you."

"Wha-? That isn't..."

"Can't you even stand up for yourself?! You're pathetic."

That again! There he was staring at me with narrowed eyes and trying to pick a fight! As if by some conditioned reflex, tears of pure frustration at this fate of a younger brother instantly welled in my eyes. At the same time I felt an explosion slowly swelling in the pit of my stomach.

As soon as he noticed he unleashed a torrent of abuse. All I wanted was to tell him to go to hell.

"What are you saying all these things for?!"

I felt so angry that I couldn't hold back my frustrated tears.

"Good, if you're angry then why don't you have a go at me? 'S been a long time."

He also started to remove his jacket; we were both ready for war.

"Go ahead! This has nothing to do with your job."

"Yeah that's right, bring it on!"

"Come on! Fuck you!"

Pow!!!

Due to the difference in our physical build my single punch was enough to send hide flying to the pavement. No sooner than I saw him reel back he had already described a slow motion arc and crumpled to the ground.

God, now I had done it....

I took off at full speed and left that place behind me. It's was all over now! The damage was done. That was the end of that job. Aah why, why did I have to do something so foolish....

As I ran I recalled a time around third or fourth year of grade school, the only time I had ever defied my brother.

I don't remember exactly how the fight had started. I was angry at my brother for having tricked me so following the examples I had seen on TV, I punched him right in the stomach. Caught off guard he doubled over with a groan but my mother happened to witness the incident and became furious.

"Are you trying to kill your brother?! Fighting is forbidden!!!"

"It's not my fault! He's the bad one!"

"What do you mean?! I saw you!"

And here I was, the bad guy again....

I was bent on running away but hide's car pulled up and picked me up. Prompted by the security guard behind the wheel I climbed into the back seat anxiously but hide feigned sleep and didn't even twitch a muscle.

"He's angry...I knew it..."

That night I parked my car under the Tokyo Tower and sat there lost in thought until morning.

The next morning when I made my way to hide's place with an apology, fully expecting to be fired, he opened the door looking groggy.

"My eye's been bothering me since I got up, d'you know what happened yesterday?"

"We fought. I'm so sorry."

"Oh, well...that's alright then. I'm going back to bed."

Hide couldn't get himself out of bed that day but he never breathed a word about this 'incident' to anyone. Perhaps he was covering for me, or perhaps he was simply embarrassed for having provoked a fight. Of course, now I'm quite sure it was the latter. And of course I never should have attacked him in the first place, given that I weighed about thirty kilos more....

Looking back, I now feel that at the time the fight was hide's way of showing me, the bundle of nerves that I was, some sympathy. Him being my brother didn't mean that I could be completely dependent on him and yet now I wonder, perhaps this brotherly fight was his way of alleviating my never ending stress....